Liberality of Grace

For several years I suffered under condemnation because I was not your typical Christian girl. I was not doing all the important Christian duties, that some say, is what keeps you saved. I didn’t read my Bible every day, go to church every time the doors were open, kneel and pray for hours on end, find and marry the first Christian guy I dated, and the list goes on. I was a good faker, to say the least, but in the depths of my heart I knew that not one of those things would really help my relationship with the Lord, especially if I wasn’t doing them from the right heart motivation. I knew that most of my motivations were wrong, so why do them at all? And I was also confused about having to read the Bible to be saved. When I first believed I had no doubt I was saved and I was so young I couldn’t even read, so how did that work?

It finally came to a point, where my “If you are a Christian, do this” list became too heavy to bear. I knew that I couldn’t possibly do all those things, so for a while I kind of gave up on my walk with the Lord (I am grateful He never gave up on me). During that time, I didn’t go completely crazy, I just wasn’t as devoted as I was when I first believed. I still loved who Jesus was and still believed He would save me. After some time, I was tired of feeling empty and purposeless and the Lord brought someone into my life, who brought me hope, just by talking with me about the Word of God. I started coming back slowly, dipping my feet in the water now and then, when all of sudden God started speaking to me. I would be sitting in a church, listening to a sermon and then one thought would come and then another, and I would start writing notes as fast as I could to keep up with the flood of revelation. After a few seconds of this rapid typing on my phone, I would look up and realize I hadn’t been listening to a thing the Pastor was saying, but still, I was receiving the truth because the Lord was speaking right to me.

I started asking the Lord during every sermon, Bible study, chapel meeting, etc. to speak to me and He would every time. I was getting more out of the Bible, pastors, and Bible studies than I ever had in my entire life. But this didn’t mean that I had changed my habits, I still was not having personal devotions, or praying consistently. But that didn’t seem to change the fact that God wanted to talk to me. I felt like my relationship with the Lord was on a treadmill and I was learning about Him and understanding things in His Word faster than I ever had before. I became excited about my relationship with Him again and I didn’t want to lose it this time. So, I began running from every possible sign of legalism, to-do list, or rule that would make me feel condemned or like a failure in my relationship with the Lord. I would be sitting in a sermon and hear a Biblical application (A way to apply the scriptures to my life) and inwardly say, “Nope! Not for me.”

I was afraid that if I tried to do any of those things I would come to a point of utter failure and give up on my relationship with God because it would become too hard, and I knew that I couldn’t give up on Him again. I loved Him too much. So, I did the only thing that made sense to me, I blocked it all out. But boy, did that get interesting!

I was so far from being legalistic, that I was the opposite… lawless. My actions, I thought, did not have any consequences, so I did or didn’t do whatever I thought was right. I found, however, that most of the things that we “think are right” are far from it. I didn’t want anyone to tell me what to do or how to do it, because if I listened to them, I thought I would be enslaved to legalism and that was not going to happen to me again. But the more that I stood against those “laws” the more I found myself doing things that I didn’t want to be doing, saying things, and watching things that I couldn’t imagine myself doing in years past. But I felt safe in the idea that if I ran away from all those rules, to-do lists, and biblical applications, I would keep myself from falling into the trap of legalism.

But through all my running away, I found myself further and further away from God. I thought that not being legalistic would help me in my pursuit of the Lord, but it only took me away from Him. Looking back now, I realize that I didn’t have any moral boundaries and it actually pushed me away from the Lord, not because I gave myself away to things that He is opposed to or because I was against rules, but I wasn’t even repenting for those things I had done, said, or watched that offended God.

But recently, through a Bible Study that my family and I did together, I learned about Abba Father. I have never looked at God this way, but I think I will from now on. Abba is the “Daddy” part of God the Father. He is loving and accepting. Always seeing the best in us and loving us regardless of our actions. In other words, this side of God the Father loves us unconditionally. Whereas there is a “Father” part of God that has authority, and He will discipline His children for their good. He doesn’t just let us get away with anything, because He knows that it’s not what's best for us. Without Father, we would be lawless, thinking that we can get away with anything because “God is love,” but without Abba, we would be legalistic, because we would only know God’s discipline and rules and Him as just the authority over us.

So, we must see God as both Abba and Father, because that is how we keep from going from one extreme to the other. From either being so legalistic that we are afraid of losing our relationship with the Father, or so lawless that we just do anything we want, because we know that “God is love.” When we come to know God as Abba and Father, we will find that we can throw ourselves upon His grace as we follow Him, but we also know that He will not allow us to sin without consequences. Instead of fearing that we won’t be loved or accepted by God, or that we won’t be saved when we can’t do everything His Word says, we can have confidence in His love and we will be His obedient children who do what He tells us to do, knowing that in His Goodness, we will find not what we deserve, but what He desires to give us.

Having this understanding has been so freeing. I am finally able to look at a Biblical application given by a Pastor and think about it subjectively instead of feeling condemned by it. I am able to ask the Lord, what do you want me to do? Instead of assuming that I am a bad Christian, if I don’t do everything this Pastor has told me to do. I have also been able to find the good in to do lists, and instead of looking at it as something that holds me back from what God wants me to do, I can see it as something that can make time for what God wants me to do. I love knowing that I can just follow the Lord in what He leads me to do today and not worry about those other things. I am constantly being worked on and He won’t give up on me. I won’t be perfect tomorrow, but I will be a little more like Him. I won’t be a millionaire tomorrow, but I will have a little bit more of what He wants to give me.

I don’t have to be legalistic or lawless to be exactly who He wants me to be, and as long as I continue to view Him as Abba and Father, I won’t be anything else.